whizzinator

There's nothing funny about violent crime, but the rest of it? Come on, that shit can get pretty funny, especially if the perpetrators are household-name athletes. Maybe it's the spotlight, maybe it's the testosterone, or maybe it's all the electrolyte-enriched sports drinks they've been guzzling, but it seems that when athletes commit non-violent crimes, they do so in spectacularly hilarious ways. What follows are our picks for most ridiculous appearances that athletes have made on the police blotter.



Marc Affeld

The personal life of current Memphis Grizzlies point guard Damon Stoudamire is basically one continuous stoner comedy. In fact, two examples of Stoudamire's marijuana-laden shenanigans could have been pulled straight from a couple of Hollywood classics.

Remember the opening scene of the film Super Troopers, where the police pull over three stoners because of a noticeable cloud of smoke being emitted from the vehicle? Well, replace those three stoners with Stoudamire, a driver buddy, and then-fellow co-captain of the Portand Trail Blazers Rasheed Wallace, and you have an incident that occured in November of 2002.

Stoudamire and Wallace were busted in the middle of the night for living up to their team's name by blazing and driving back to Portland from a game in Seattle. All of this was done while speeding in a not-so-inconspicuous yellow Hummer. Hilarity undoubtedly ensued.

Then in July of 2003, Stoudamire took a tip from the bass player in This is Spinal Tap by trying to smuggle something past airport security on his person. Only instead of hiding a cucumber wrapped in aluminum foil in his pants, Stoudamire tried to sneak past the metal detector with one and a half ounces of pot wrapped in
aluminum foil. Yes, Stoudamire's strategy for tricking security was to wrap the marijuana in foil, which the machines were designed to detect.

And they say stuff like that only happens in the movies.



Nick Frost

Although he may have been overshadowed in the last few years by the grotesquely large number of other athlete-criminals around, former MLB player Darryl Strawberry trumps them all. He spent most of the '80s, '90s, and early 21st century either in a prison cell in Florida, in rehab, or staring down the envelope of a subpoena for child support.

It would take way too long to try and explain each individual wrong-doing that Mr Strawberry has committed since 1987, but, in case you were wondering, I'll summarize: he's been accused of breaking his first ex-wife's nose, arrested for slapping around his second ex-wife (while she was pregnant, no less), failed to make child support payments, been arrested for cocaine and painkiller possession on numerous occasions, been thrown out of rehab for having sex with an inmate, solicited sex from an undercover cop, and faked a police report that his vehicle had been stolen and that he was being kidnapped, and "pistol-whipped," in order to get the police to arrest his "kidnapper."

I don't think there really is much more you can say about this guy―his track record pretty well speaks for itself.And yet, somehow, he managed to remain one of the more popular stars in baseball throughout most of his career, garnering eight straight starts in the MLB All-Star Game, which is voted on by the fans, not to mention a wealth of merchandise bearing his name.

He even guest-starred in one of the greatest Simpsons episodes of all-time, displaying his ten-foot vertical leap, his knack for hitting nine homers off of the Shelbyville Power Plant softball team, and his ability to take nerve tonic without suffering the ill-effects of giganticism. Although, now that I think about it, it makes sense why Mr Burns pinch-hit Homer for Darryl: he probably tried to solicit sex from Smithers.



Ben Carter

In Edmonton, when we see a pair of drunk, unruly, hockey-playing brothers acting like idiots on the side of the road, we call it Saturday night outside the Oil City Roadhouse. When it happens in the United States in the year 2007, however, that shit is a big deal.

Earlier this summer, in a hotel in rural Minnesota, Eric Staal of the Carolina Hurricanes and his younger brother Jordan, of the Pittsburgh Penguins, were arrested at the elder Staal's bachelor party. They were charged with a count each of disorderly conduct, and Jordan was charged with underage drinking.

Apparently, the Staals heeded the original police warning that the bachelor party had been getting out of hand (but not before being threatened with deportation), and went to bed for the night. But the party continued without them, and later that night they were woken up and kicked out of the hotel. The group then "gathered on Highway 61 and began harassing passing motorists" according to the police report, where they were then arrested. A pair of $500 fines later, and the matter seemed to be resolved.

The most amusing detail of this case was the ensuing media coverage in Canada: in a summer in which athletes were arrested regularly for crimes ranging from the mundane to the truly horrific, many reacted as if this was the NHL's equivalent of Michael Vick running a dogfighting ring. Their mugshots even appeared on the cover of the Toronto Sun.

If members of the Canadian media are surprised that hockey isn't taken seriously in the United States, perhaps they should consider the ramifications of turning a non-story featuring two of the game's young stars into a massive affair such as this one. Because really, if you can't get wrecked and yell at passing cars at your bachelor party, when can you do it?



Paul Owen

He may not have committed a crime in the strictest sense, but Onterrio Smith belongs in any discussion of professional athletes who are criminals. Suspended from the NFL for two years following his third violation of the league's Substance Abuse Policy in 2005, Smith isn't memorable so much for being a bit of a doper as for the way in which he was caught.

In May of 2005, while travelling through the Minneapolis-St Paul International Airport, Smith was detained passing through security because his carry-on contained some suspicious items: the first being a jar of his dried urine, the second being a device known as the "Original Whizzinator."

The Whizzinator comes with a pure urine sample, a couple of syringes, a latex penis, and a handy instruction manual explaining how to make it look like you're peeing when you're not. Apparently the device does a poor job, as Smith was caught three times breaking the NFL's anti-drug policies. If you're going to cheat, you should at least do it so you don't get caught.

Of course, Smith's detainment became a punchline in the American media, as well as spawning infinite fantasy football teams named the Whizzinators. With Smith gone from the NFL and unsuccessful in his stint with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, the former Oregon star's legacy will remain as the dude who got caught with the fake piss in the airport.



Robin Collum

If there's one thing funnier than fake penises (or is that peni?), bachelor-party shenanigans, and hot-boxing a moving SUV, it's hypocrisy exposed.

In 1999, Eugene Robinson was a free safety for the Atlanta Falcons who made it all the way to the Super Bowl. He was also widely respected as a person and considered an excellent role model―so much so, that on the morning before the Super Bowl, he was awarded the Bart Starr award by the Christian group Athletes in Action. The award is given to the athlete that year who is seen to best exemplify moral leadership, strong character, and other good Christian virtues.

You can imagine, then, how nonplussed Robinson's supporters were when his extracurricular activities were revealed―though the Bart Starr award has never earned more publicity before or since. The night before the Super Bowl, Robinson left his hotel and went looking for a $40 blow job. Unfortunately for him―but luckily for those of us who love pure comedy―he chose entirely the wrong prostitute to ask―instead of an authentic lady of the night: Robinson solicited an undercover cop.

Sometimes karma's right on time, though, and this was one of those occasions. The next day, Robinson played horribly in the Super Bowl. He missed important tackles, messed up defensive coverage, and generally made an ass of himself on the field. Many people blamed him―and his after-hours escapades―for the Falcons' 34�19 loss to the Denver Broncos, and he was lodged in the public consciousness
Anabolic steroid tests will be random, and the high school athletes who test positive will be punished.

It's part of a message the 80th Texas Legislature sent in May when it passed Senate Bill 8, which enacts the random testing of about 25,000 Texas public high school student-athletes yearly.

That's about 3 percent of the state's 740,000 such student-athletes.

Legislators set aside $6 million to fund two years of testing, and charged the University Interscholastic League with adopting rules for administering the tests.

The UIL governs athletics at about 400 Texas public schools. It's reviewing bids from 14 companies vying for the contract to test students, which could begin before the end of the high school football season - or shortly before Christmas.

Temple's Compliance Safety Systems is one of the 14 companies vying for the contract.

Doug Brodie, vice president of CSS, said a drug-screening company will collect urine samples and send them to a federally approved lab.

The samples will be tested for anabolic steroids and for drugs that mask the presence of steroids. A school representative will be alerted about the test results.

Labs that test for illegal performance enhancing drugs use a Gas Chromatography-Mass Spectrometer test, a federally approved method - especially important considering litigation often follows positive test results.

So how will students be tested?

Brodie said that each drug-screening company slightly varies in its method. His company, if selected by the UIL, will test student-athletes at 20 districts from five regions at a time.

Each district will first provide student ID numbers.

From those numbers a computer performs "an electronic spin" to choose students at random. Then drug screeners visit schools, which assign one representative to communicate with the screener.

"The collection itself is very private and structured," Brodie said. "We do a monitored collection. A monitor is in bathroom, but not in the stall, when a student gives a urine sample."

But this is not a foolproof system

Olympic athletes, who have someone inches away from them while they produce a urine sample, soon learned to evade the testers. Two decades ago East German athletes had plastic bladders containing clean urine inserted into their bodies.

In 2005 Minnesota Viking running back Onterrio Smith was stopped at the airport in St. Paul when a Whizzinator and dehydrated urine was found. Smith had already tested positive twice for marijuana and a third test would have guaranteed a ban from the NFL.

The Whizzinator is very realistic fake penis (which comes in five skin tones) and a clean sample of urine.

The manufacturers also have a version for women.

To ensure a fair test, high school students in Texas will have their urine test divided into A and B samples, in case one is accidentally contaminated. The samples are labeled, packaged and sent for testing. Brodie said there are several federally approved labs nationwide.

At the lab, a student's main sample is simultaneously tested for anabolic steroids and any drugs used to disguise their presence. Some of these are common over-the-counter drugs like diuretics.

If no banned drugs are found, the results are returned to the student in a day or two, Brodie said.

If a student tests positive, a medical reviewer - always a doctor - calls the student about the result.

"In this case, the reviewer allows the student to explain the result," he said.

If the student has a documented, medical use for steroids or any other drug, the test is reported as negative. If not, the test is reported as positive.

Still, a student can appeal the result. If a result is appealed, the second sample - divided from the main sample during the initial collection - is sent to a different lab and tested.

That's done at a $200 to $300 cost to parents.

If that sample also tests positive, the student is considered positive.

In that case, "It doesn't matter why it's positive. You're positive. That's the federal system," Brodie said.

Cliff Odenwald, the UIL's associate athletic director, said students who test positive can practice but will be suspended from competition for 30 days.

If that student is tested positive again later, for a second time, punishment includes a one-year suspension. A third positive test mandates a lifetime ban.

He also said that if a student sues for a positive result that both the school and UIL are exempt.

Brodie said parents and students have nothing to worry about - if the student-athlete is not taking illegal steroids.

"The process is highly controlled and very scientific," he said. "It's a legally tested system that's been around for years. It's tested and proven every day."