umbrella tree

It's the premiere of VH1 newest reality show, America's Most Smartest Model. This show is designed to make you feel better about yourself. Ridiculously good looking people will be shown for the idiots that they are. Sixteen models (half men and half women) will answer trivia questions posed by Ben Stein. Let the mockery of hot models begin!

Ben Stein promises to prove that models are dumber than a box of rocks. Mary Alice Stephenson, a modeling guru, serves as host and says the competition is real, even if the show's title is a joke. She talks about Stein's many great accomplishments, then one model is awed because it's the dude from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. The grand prize? $100,000.

Two models are getting kicked off right away. The models must strut the runway and explain their modeling and academic credentials. The Russian Andre gets off to a good start, forgetting Mary Alice's name. He's rocking the jacket with no shirt and goes on about all the languages he speaks, one for every pack in his abs. Slavco is next, and Andre mocks his choice to wear lip gloss. Slavco was previously on Kept with Jerry Hall, another VH1 reality show where he competed to be the boy toy of the aged supermodel, so the judges suspect he just wants to be a TV star.

There's a lot to get as everyone is introduced. Many models talk about their college experience. Some graduated, and one is going for a PhD in psychology. Ben is impressed. The highlights include the Argentinian himbo Gaston, a dolt nicknamed Blonde Rachel, a dude named Pickel who has ADHD, and VJ, who claims his parents aren't native Americans because they were born in California. Mary Alice calls (the only one who's done nude modeling), Slavco and Jamie (who is orange) to the center. Ben supports Mandy Lynn's web design abilities. The other two are eliminated.

The models get to move in to their posh home with pocket dictionaries to prepare them for tomorrow's spelling bee competition. Andre is rooming with three girls, and when they ask if he snores, he says no, but he masturbates. Classy. The bathroom doors all have locks opened by trivia questions, which drives the models crazy. Andre and Gaston struggle to open the fridge with the year America celebrated its bicentennial times 100. The two foreigners have no clue.

Later in the hot tub, there's a debate about who is more respectable, models or actors. Andre sings the praises models, going off on how they're basically supermen who are better than everyone else, and he's insane. Other people try talking about how modeling is easy as pie and they got lucky because they're so good looking. Andre nearly pops a blood vessel. He's a throwback to Rocky IV, and his thoughts on his fellow American models are best summed up by these four words: "I must break you."

The male models rag on Gaston for not studying. I doubt whether he can even read English. Inside, the girls rag on Mandy Lynn for having nothing but hoochie clothes. At the competition, Ben Stein lays down the word "bifurcated" to make them feel like idiots. Challenge one is the Edge, and winning results in an advantage for the Callback, the second modeling challenge that gives the contestant immunity to the next round.

The first round is super easy, so they spell words like "blue" and "bikini." Andre misspells "retardant" by making it "-ent,"which is an acceptable mistake in my mind. Gaston gets "nincompoop," and Ben Stein awesomely talks down to him. He spells it "nincamboob." Pickel inverts the "i" and "y" at the end of "electrolysis." Victoria is way off on "emaciated," and still doesn't seem to understand what the word was.

The next round features designer names, and takes a bunch of models down. The best is Blonde Rachel going out by spelling "Tommy Hilfinger." It gets down to Jesse and Daniel, who are both really impressing Ben Stein. Jesse correctly spells "psoriasis" while Daniel takes on "phosphorescence" and "Bacchanalian." Heck, even I'm impressed, as some of those words could probably take out those twitchy freak kids from the official Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee. Jesse has to spell "Dionysian" to stay in it. He gets all messed up with "Dianicean." Good job, Daniel. He gets the Edge envelope, which tells him to learn some types of dinosaurs.

Gaston is disgustingly hitting on women poorly, asking two chicks to rub their boobs together, then begging another to do porn. The Callback is a fashion show on the runway. Some of the models have no walking experience, so they get some pointers. Andre tries intimidating the others. Mandy Lynn is always a little sexpot, and Jesse is mocking her. He's like the raging queen of the show, always making some catty comment about everyone else.

Before they begin walking, each model will be given a category and asked to name as many things in that category while walking. VJ gets U.S. states. He's solid on the runway and gets a bunch of states, then goes with Memphis, Indianapolis and Seattle. Victoria gets non-U.S, cities, and is very thrown off, only naming a couple, mostly in Italy. Her walk was too much of a stroll and not impressive. Gaston has to name things that smell bad. After armpits, farts and socks, he goes for "dirty penis." His walk sucked too, and when he goes backstage, he tells the other models not to say "dirty penis." I think that's pretty good advice for any situation.

Mandy Lynn has to name things that are round. She says "balls, cherries, balloons, tires," then repeats those over and over again. They call her out for looking like a porn star again. Mary Alice is obsessed with dying her hair and removing all the make-up. We get a quick montage of some more, and Blonde Rachel is again the highlight, when her category is types of trees, and she goes for "umbrella tree." Ben Stein calls her out, but the editors prove that an "umbrella tree" actually exists. Oh snap, she schooled Ben Stein! And me, for that matter.

Brett gets elements of the periodic table, and he does kind of well until he gets to "metal." Still, the judges praise his walk as one of the best. Daniel uses the Edge and gets a lot of dinosaurs, but his outfit and walk are awful. Pickel isn't too good, and they question if he wants to be an actor. He stammers with his ADHD, but eventually says no. Andre gets things in the sky, and after "sun, moon, stars," he's done. It really messes up his walk. He says he has lots of runway experience, but the judges hate it, and he gets offended by these idiot judges.

The winner is Brett, of course. It's all in the scarf. Later two of the models will be purged. Jesse is all catty about Mary Alice commenting on how he's a little overweight, and he is gonna go off if he's eliminated. Mary Alice picks on Jesse's weight again. Then she calls down the bottom three: Gaston, Mandy Lynn and Victoria. Ben Stein lays out a bunch of big words about how Gaston and Victoria are now vestigial bones. Mary Alice informs them they're purged. Native to Australia, New Guinea and Java, the Umbrella Tree, Schefflera actinophylla, is very common in South Florida and the warmer parts of Central Florida. Schefflera is also seen indoors as a houseplant all over the world

Rated up to 40 feet, Umbrella Tree has large shiny medium green leaves held in groups of seven compound leaves. Observers in New Guinea report seeing Schefflera growing epiphytic starting as much as 40 feet up in tall rainforest trees

Mature trees outdoors in full sun develop very showy flowers in the summer. The Schefflera in the pic above is in the final red stage of bloom

Unfortunately, this Schefflera is also on Florida's "Don't Plant" list of nuisance trees. What many people don't realize is outdoors, Schefflera is a nuisance for three reasons:

Schefflera seeds itself very easily causing Schefflera to grow where no one wants a large tree
Roots are strong, aggressive and can take over much of the surrounding soil
Schefflera sheds leaves constantly creating a littered appearance below
If you plant Schefflera, most any well drained soil will do. After establishment, occasional water and occasional food are all that is required

There are numerous varieties of Dwarf Schefflera most often called Arborcola. Called Miniature Umbrella Plant, Schefflera arborcola is native to Taiwan. Arborcola can have all green leaves or variegated either green-yellow or green-white, depending on variety and sun or shade locations

Arborcola are Schefflera shrubs generally used in mass to fill bed space and provide contrast in colors and foliage. This pic shows Arborcola used that way behind impatiens. Arborcola is a slow growing plant, so it is easy to keep within bounds. Pruned to create more branching, Arborcola is very nice with none of the negatives of its larger cousin

Schefflera farinosa (variegated) is native to Malaya and Indonesia, has green-yellow leaves like Arborcola, but much larger in size. Farinosa is an excellent plant far less seen but perhaps even more attractive than Arborcola

Schefflera digitata is native to New Zealand, a shrub with a much thinner habit in green leaves that have points rather than rounded

Umbrella tree indoors as a houseplant is easy to grow if kept warm, in good light and the soil fairly dry. Just follow basic houseplant procedures to have a nice Schefflera indoors all year round
Size and growth rate:
It can grow up to 10-12 feet, and can be 3-4 feet wide. Given the best conditions it can grow 10 inches per year.

Light and Temperature:
Ideal temperature is 60-70 degrees F. during the day, and not below 50 degrees F. at night.

Watering and Feeding:
Scheffleras need lots of water during the summer, and should be watered thoroughly once or twice a week with an occasional misting (but only once every 2 weeks in the winter). Feed once per month during summer.

Soil and transplanting:
Schefflera is not a very demanding plant as far as soil is concerned, but is FUSSY about wet feet. DO NOT allow water to remain in saucer underneath. Use regular potting soil mixed with a little sand to ensure good drainage. If the plant is growing well, it may need transplanting every spring in a pot 1 size larger than the previous.

Grooming:
It may be necessary to cut back the Schefflera from time to time if it is getting too large or leggy. Do this in the fall when it has stopped growing for the year. This can also be done in early spring. When grooming in spring, it is a good time to take cuttings.

Propagating:
Professional gardeners usually prefer to propagate from seed, but the seeds soon lose their ability to germinate. There is a better chance of success by taking cuttings. Plant the cuttings in a sandy soil mixture and cover with plastic until they have taken root. Can also take root in a glass of water.

Common problems:
The plant gets thin, long and leggy- It is too warm and not getting enough light. Move to cooler and brighter spot.

Yellow, falling leaves- This is often the result of too much water, or water that has been left in saucer below. It does NOT like "wet feet"! Let it dry out and water less in the future. Empty that saucer!!!

Scale on the leaves and stems- This must be dealt with immediately. If the attack is small, dab each insect with a cotton swab dipped in alcohol and scrape them off with a small knife.

Schefflera is frequently attacked by spider mites. Misting can help keep them at bay. Combat with pesticides. Always read and follow label instructions.

Buying tips:
Make sure it has healthy, shiny leaves. The leaves should not be yellow, but undersides should have a matte appearance.

Lifespan:
The Schefflera can live many years if looked after right. It is often lack of room that leads to its demise.